Jason Friedberg and Aaron Seltzer, the team that brought us the Scary Movie sequels, Epic Movie and Disaster Movie, return with a pointless take on vampire movies thanks to the runaway success of the Twilight series and HBO’s True Blood.
Vampires Suck sinks its flat, broad chompers into the first two books of Stephanie Meyer’s franchise and draws little blood because the story is already a prettified goth corpse. The best thing that can be said for this anemic spoof is that it finds a way to condense Twilight and New Moon into a single lean strip of meat with no additives or preservatives like story or character to impede consumption.
This is the fast-food version of fast food, which I suppose is like just diving into a vat of high-fructose corn syrup with red food coloring. Zombies have more flavor and life than anything going on here (although I hope that doesn’t give Friedberg and Seltzer any ideas). Grade: D