Ready for the onslaught of summer sequels? I didn’t think so. That’s why I’m offering a guide to bring you up-to-date on the talk behind the latest installments of the stories that will make up the days of our lives this summer.

The Mummy Returns

When last we saw our intrepid hero, Brendan Fraser was preparing to stand trial for the wrongful death of Imhotep. If convicted, Brendan would face being turned into a frozen dinner/relief map like Harrison Ford in The Empire Strikes Back. Does that seem a tad harsh for killing a dead guy? Have no fear, I hear if The Mummy Returns is successful, Brendan’s being considered to take over the Six Days, Seven Nights franchise that Harrison’s passing along.

Dr. Dolittle 2

Doc Dolittle wants to know what’s up with his old pal, Sherman Klump. Did Sherm dump Jada Pinkett Smith or was Big Willie bigger than Buddy Love? And how did Sherm ever hook up with Janet on the rebound? But Sherm won’t answer his calls. Would you if you were with Janet? Dolittle’s just hoping his buddy’s in control of the rhythm nation because if not, if Janet puts a hurting on Sherm, well then, Dolittle’s ready to send his animal posse behind the velvet rope.

Remember, Sherm, he’s doing it all for you.

Jurassic Park III

Vince Vaughn’s considering his next starring role opposite Will Smith in Black Independence Day. Yes, that means he’s replacing Jeff Goldblum who has apparently taken leave from the series and his mind. It happens all the time. Now for Jurassic Park III, word is the filmmakers are going back to basics which means when he was offered the job, Sam Neill didn’t ask for a trailer as big as the CGI stars. He’s an actor’s actor, you know.

Rush Hour II

Jackie Chan wants to be the new Mel Gibson. There’s talk of a George Washington Carver biopic called Nutty Buddy. Of course, that means Chris Tucker’s going to be reading a lot more Toni Morrison and Alice Walker since Benicio Del Toro’s thank you to Chris for inspiring him to go for those big moments in Traffic was maliciously censored by officials at the Academy Awards. It’s all part of the unspoken conspiracy in Hollywood, but I have the unedited speech on DVD if anyone’s interested.

Jason X

Poor Jason, the misunderstood guy behind the mask. I don’t believe he would ever be convicted for a single one of the horrendous crimes perpetrated in these films. How else can you explain this guy always coming back? He didn’t do it and his innocence frees him every time. I hope they figure the whole mess out this time and allow him to live out the rest of his days quietly. I sincerely do, because that’s what we all want, isn’t it? Jason, a word of advice though. Lose the mask. Don’t you know about casual Fridays?

American Pie 2

So much has happened since the first Pie. Loser. Saving Silverman. Say It Isn’t So. Down To Earth. And those are just the most recent fillings. Right on down the food chain. Everybody’s waiting for this one. And then, there’ll be more movies like Loser, Saving Silverman, et al before American Pie 3. We catch on quick, don’t we?

Scary Movie 2

As with any sequel, revenge will play a major role. In Scary Movie, the Miramax brothers (Harvey Weinstein and the other one) made a killing off this sketchy spoof which was largely forgettable, except for the fact that it made a ton of money. The Wayans have been sharpening their knives, and spring training was a little workout on the Baldwins. No more Steven or Daniel or William or Tyrell. Too bad about Tyrell, though. I liked his work from a few years ago.

Jay and Silent Bob Strike Back

Let’s give a warm welcome to Jay and Silent Bob, who hasn’t been all that silent of late. Bob started whining and bitching after his little story about chasing Amy. He also kicked some serious butt for God (Alanis Morissette) in the road trip comedy, Dogma. Bob’s ready to change his name, but he doesn’t cotton to Jay’s suggestion, which is about as suitable for printing as Prince’s former symbol. To offer alternative names for Bob, log onto www.altnames4bob.com. Let your voice be heard.

If you’re not ready now, you never will be. So get your butts in the seats. At least it’s a cool, dry place, right? (tt clinkscales)